Friday, September 12, 2008

Biggest MLB Tools - September 01, 2008



Somebody asked who the five biggest tools are in the MLB so I decided to expand on it to have a little fun.

Tool: (1) A person, typically male, who says or does things that cause you to give them a 'what-are-you-even-doing-here' look. The 'what-are-you-even-doing-here' look is classified by a glare in the tool's direction and is usually accompanied by muttering of how big of a tool they are. The tool is usually someone who is unwelcome but no one has the balls to tell them to get lost. The tool is always making comments that are out-of-place, out-of-line or just plain stupid. The tool is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this, never will. However, the tool is useful because you can use them for things; money, rides, etc. (2) Useless person.

Based on that definition then here are my top five tools:
1) Alex Rodriguez - GIDP 11 times, in August, can not remember the last time he had a multi-run homerun
2) Manny Ramirez - his name is manny, cannot think of a player I would rather not have on my team
3) Barry Zito - 14.5 million dollar bullpen man
4) Anyone who has played OF for the Pirates since the Bay and Nady trades. [The Pirate organization may be filled with even more tools; the team has Andrew McCutchen and Jose Tabata in their farm system (two of the best OF prospects in baseball) and the team doesn't bring up either. Tabata is understandable since he is young but McCutchen should have been playing this year, especially in September when the rosters were expanded]
5) Jack Hannahan - 114 Strike outs while batting .220
6) Score-keeper for CC Sabathia no-hit game
7) Dioner Navarro on the base paths - catcher with no steals and four times caught stealing
8) Randy Wolf - for being the google result when searching for "player with highest ERA" and Jimmy Gobble for actually being the player with the highest ERA (min. 20 IP) at 11.31
9) Anybody who says David Ortiz hasn't taken performance enhancing substances since joining Boston
10) Tigers Bullpen - guitar hero, Willis was in it, ERA = Todd Jones (4.97), Rodney (4.60), Karnsworth (3.88 not bad unless you have a fastball that can hit 100), Seay (3.74), Fossum (5.13), Lopez (3.92), Glover (5.71), Robertson (6.36), and Dolsi (3.76)
11) Jose Offerman - I have a better idea, lets not assault a pitcher with a bat
12) Kevin Gregg - 9 Blown Saves; and Chad Qualls -7 blown saves with only 2 saves
13) Ryan Howard - I know this is late for him but he has lead the MLB in RBI's and HR's. However he has also lead the MLB is SO's, he is about to eclipse his own strikeout record, he has 15 errors at first base and catches the ball with two hand, he is also batting .234. I hate putting him here since he is also in the RBI commericals but it is well deserved.
14) Mike Hampton - supposed to earn $16 million this year, don't know how much he is receiving of that but that is enough to put him on the list.
15) Brian Cashman - A-Rod (28) , Giambi (23) , Jeter (22) , Abreu (16) , Pettitte (16) , Rivera (15) are all earning over 15 million dollars. Tim Lincecum, Edison Volquez, Chad Billingsley, Felix Hernandez, Ervin Santana, Joakim Soria, Hong-Chih Kuo, Carlos Marmol, Jonathan Broxton, Heath Bell, Joel Hanrahan, Brandon League, Geovany Soto, Jorge Cantu, Ian Kinsler, Ryan Braun (MIL), Hanley Ramirez, Carlos Quentin, Josh Hamilton, Ryan Ludwick, Matt Kemp, Corey Hart, Russell Martin, Mark Reynolds and Dan Uggla make a COMBINED $11 Million. The team has 3 players that make more than the Florida Marlins. And twelve who make 11 million or more.

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